"A securely functioning love relationship is the elixir which brings us back home into our heart." — J. Grey
My approach in working with couples is informed by current neuroscience and attachment research as applied to how partners in intimate relationships can function securely and sustain lasting happiness and satisfaction. I like to bring embodiment and playfulness into the work.
My work with couples is based on the principle that we all want to be seen, heard and understood, especially by the ones we love the most.
Whether we fight over small or big things, if we become stuck, entangled or estranged from our partner, it impacts our entire quality of life.
Clients discover how within minutes of getting in a fight — or even seconds — that what’s really driving their distress boils down to some very basic yet unspoken questions, like: “Do I matter to you?” “If I hurt, do you care?” “Do you accept me just as I am?” or “Can I depend on you?”
The tools we utilize are designed to help you overcome reactive cycles and resolve issues, both large and small. Instead of escalating into states of emotional upset or shutting down, with guidance, partners learn to repair upsets, speak from their hearts, and express what they need in effective ways that enable them to feel loved, respected, and connected.
People can struggle with relationships for a long time. Like many, they may find high-quality love almost impossible to sustain long term, but instead find themselves reacting more and more over time. Little things turn into major fights, in ways that make no rational sense.
Resulting emotional wounds never heal, but instead can create walls between partners. People fall under the spell of primitive parts of their brains which act out increasingly destructive patterns. They get taken into states of fight, flight or freeze, even blowing up or shutting down.
Such reactive patterns are entirely unconscious and automatic. They operate without our conscious permission or understanding. They connect back to our early wiring — wiring that subsequently influences the way we see, think about and act in our relationships for our whole lives.
The only way to change this is to consciously become aware of what these patterns really are and learn new tools to overcome them.
You are not doomed to simply repeat these patterns throughout life. It’s important to realize that our ongoing pain is actually the product of a long lineage of wiring — and that we have the power to transform this as adults in our chosen relationship.
By understanding the underlying mechanics of human bonding and how our wiring shapes the way we each attend to that bonding, we create the possibility for growth. Literally. Brains are plastic. This is called neuroplasticity, or the ability of the brain to change its wiring with the right experiences.
With guidance, you will develop a new awareness of the underlying mechanics in how you engage in relating so that you can experience a healthy relationship — a whole new way of relating that naturally encourages safety, trust and freedom.
Loving, lasting change is possible.